23 June 2010 10:30 p.m.
Dear friends and family,
Another long day has finally spent itself. I have been in the ICU all day. What a blessing! It is not common for the nurses to allow visitors to stay with the patients, so I was giving thanks for every minute I was allowed to spend, and praying fervently in my head and heart that I might not disturb too much. In the end, all of those minutes amounted to twelve precious hours! It was enough to replenish me moment by moment as I watched Steve run his marathon. To his nurses we will be forever grateful.
Steve has blown us away today. When I arrived he was conscious but in deep pain and still not communicating very much. We quickly fell into the rhythm of the day before, stroking his hair, holding his hand and talking him through the pain, which remains great and constant. He went through phases of paranoia today that were new, and he had to be firmly and frequently reassured as he imagined genuinely disturbing and frightening conversations and people. At around 3:45 p.m. or so, however, he gave me a great gift. Steve simply appeared. It was both astounding and tender. Although Steve was in terrible pain, he was also very lucid and calm in talking about his accident and its consequences. He was also able to talk about the children (a subject that until now and even after that moment has been too painful for him to discuss or even hear about), thank and praise his nurses, shower me with love and compliments and generally exude the kind of light and kindness and humor that is so naturally his. I was hardly able to take it in – this genuine conversation, his love eyes present, and his entire beautiful spirit filling the room.
During that time he unwittingly answered your prayers and mine by clearly and concisely indicating his choice for rehab. I quickly presented his choices, indicating their excellence and listing that they both ranked in the top ten, Seattle number 3 and Columbus number 9. He looked at me with the utmost clarity before I had even finished my introductory presentation and stated emphatically, “Well that’s clear, it’s Seattle then. The best of the best will go there. I have a lot of work to do and I need the best of the best.” As we discussed it further, he remained clear in his conviction. He is extremely, beautifully dedicated to getting well even in the midst of this excruciating pain and simply wants the cream of the crop to get him there. In fact, I think he needs this conviction of their excellence in order to give him hope for the road ahead. I cannot tell you what relief this brings, that Steve himself has indicated his choice. It was the greatest gift.
But there was more, much more. Sky has written about his progress with the physical therapist. I am refraining from any great medical detail because these are complex issues and I do not want anyone to misconstrue his progress, however where Steve is, it was like scoring a touchdown in the Superbowl. Even the therapist could hardly contain her optimism.
And still Steve gave us more. This evening his nurse gave Steve some washcloths, rolled up and bound with tape. She asked him to grasp a roll in each hand, and alternately lift it up. HE DID IT. I cannot tell you the effort required, or the progress this demonstrates. Now I was truly leaping in my heart! His own determination and euphoria were evident. He wanted a GOAL, and she gave him one. Five lifts every two hours. He waited for David and his parents to arrive in great anticipation to show him what he can do. We all cheered and best of all, he cheered himself at this major accomplishment! That is how I ended my twelve hours with Steve.
Steve is in and out of clarity and still in such pain that he needs to be talked through the waves and can be present only with great effort. And yet today he exercised that effort in order to be kind to his nurses, in order to love me, and in order to show us all his determination to get well. Steve’s remarkable spirit is returning.
I promised him often that I would make PAIN MANAGEMENT his number one prayer request. Steve is extremely sensitive to the medications, and it has been tricky trying to find a balance between giving him comfort and keeping him mentally present, among what are no doubt a host of other medical considerations. Even as I left this evening his paranoia was inching back and it is truly terrifying. The pain is also terrifying. No true comfort point has been found. Please pray for Steve, his doctors, and his nurses as they try to find the perfect cocktail of medicines for Steve.
Steve is scheduled for surgery tomorrow at 1145. Assuming this proceeds as scheduled, please mark your calendars and pray with me. Surgery will last for 4 to 6 hours. Steve is naturally terrified but committed. I am equally terrified and committed. Please pray for raving success and quick healing.
Please also pray for Steve tonight. He is now more mentally aware but still in acute pain, as well as being prone to paranoia and delusions and I am no longer there to talk him through it. Please pray for sleep, of which he has had very little, and for comfort and peace as he negotiates the long night on his own. I am praising God that in the morning I may possibly be allowed to stay with him again.
Twelve precious hours with Steve. He continues to surprise and inspire. He gave us all laughter and tears of joy today, even in the darkest valley. I praise God for him.
Earlier in the day, the following verse inspired me and I felt its true effects all through the hills and valleys:
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? … No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:35,37-39
With continued gratitude, love and thanksgiving for your prayers which are heard,
Michelle