From Michelle. 8 January, 2011.
Dear friends and family,
The holidays flew by and landed us, disheveled but optimistic, in a brand new year. Looking around, we still feel as if we are out on an open sea, having broken off from the land we knew and loved, and destined for some unknown shore. While the storm that cast us out remains challenging, however, sometimes now the wind feels good. Our eyes are peeled for that new and distant land. Wherever we are headed, we trust that we’ll be ready.
On December 30th, we greatly enjoyed an overnight getaway to not only celebrate ten wonderful years together, but take stock of all that has transpired, and begin to look ahead (thanks, John and Darlene Ruetschle, for watching the boys!). Steve surprised me by taking me to St. Ignatius Chapel, the beautiful, worshipful space where he proposed to me ten and a half years ago. All those years ago, he followed an ancient Israelite tradition by offering me a cup of wine as a proposal. If I drank, I accepted. As we sat in the very same place, he offered me the cup again. I am a different man now, he said. Would I marry him again?
Oh yes, Steve Ruetschle, I will marry you again! I drank both soberly and gratefully from that cup that day. The soberness came because the costs are real, the losses profound. Gratitude flowed liberally, however, because all that I love most about Steve has not only remained but deepened. The geography of our marriage may be different, but the navigation systems remain the same. We hope to enjoy these explorations together for many, many more years!
You are probably wondering whether we danced on our anniversary. We did, indeed. We danced quietly in our hotel room, to the song from our wedding night. Steve managed not only a sweet embrace but a few good turns for flair. No, we are not quite yet up for any dips or more theatrical maneuvers. But we enjoyed our sweet shuffle on the dance floor nonetheless!
practice dance
With a brief lull for holiday celebrations, Steve is glad to be back in the swing of things. Therapies and exercise help create a more measurable sense of progress, which is crucial to keeping our motivation up. We often marvel at how easy it would be to just stop and settle for where things are. It is a testament to Steve’s sheer willpower, determination, and – most of all – love for god, friends and family that he keeps at it.
We measure his progress with the measurement systems of daily life. Today he can walk around Trader Joe’s. QFC is a stretch but possible. Target is a lofty goal. (In Manila terms, that might translate as Santi’s, Rustan’s and Shoemart!) For our anniversary, Steve had to rely heavily on the chair to get around Seattle’s downtown, a sobering reminder of how much progress still needs to be made.
Steve kicked off the year with a bang, however, by taking a specialized driving exam to assess what, if any, instruments he might need to begin driving again. To our delight, all he needs is a special knob on the steering wheel, and he can drive! He outfitted our van this weekend. Look out for him on the streets soon! Not to worry, he remains the amazing driver he always was!
Our Medicaid process also showed some promising signs of progress in the new year. We have finally qualified for the state home care provisions that we have been waiting on. This means we must be almost, if not all of the way qualified for Medicaid. Until we have some tangible card or number, however, we are hanging on pins and needles. What a relief it will be when that process has ended! A significant stack of medical bills hang in the balance.
And so, dear friends and family, we begin the new year loving each other deeply, resolved to continue to heal, and looking forward to what lies ahead. Foremost among our prayer requests is always our heart’s cry for Steve’s complete healing. While we are in a state of constant amazement and delight at what has returned, there is much more that remains lost: fine motor skills in hands and fingers, strength, sensation – hot and cold, dull and sharp – and full functioning of bowels and bladder. As we contemplate a return to Manila, our next request is that all of the details would flow through God’s gracious providence and clearest affirmation. Foremost among these details is an affordable means to insure Steve. We also pray for final resolution to all of our Medicaid and other applications. We are grateful beyond measure for the support that has allowed us to continue as we wait, and often marvel at how those with less survive the interminable process.
I end, as always, with a verse, not out of a desire to appear righteous but because I feel compelled to acknowledge the calm center, the gentle wisdom, the solid rock beyond ourselves that has held us firm through this trial. Today, two simple lines from James 1:2-4: “Count it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
Joy lives here. Laughter lives here too. We know it’s source, we feel Love’s rays warming us from above and through those we love. Truly, we have nothing, but god has filled our cup to overflowing. And indeed a steadfastness has grown from receiving a cup not of our own making. And as we remain steadfast, it fills up even more. It is a mystery that I have fallen in love with, one I cannot understand and one which I do not deserve, but which has won my utter devotion. In our humble, broken patch god planted joy. And somehow, it is blooming.
As always, we are grateful beyond measure for each of you, and for your prayers which have made every difference.
With love,
Michelle