A discipline of thanks.

From Michelle.  30 March, 2011.

Dear Friends and Family,

We find ourselves embraced in the familiar fluid warmth of a humid Florida afternoon.  Steve’s parents have been coming down to Florida for many years, and several times we had gratefully escaped the dreary March weather in Seattle to visit them here when our big boys were young.  And so we counted down the days for this break and for family.

Returns such as this, however, take us by surprise.  Instead of simple joy, we find ourselves gazing through another window into loss.  As a family, we have left the safe confines of the new life we have built, the countless things that make it all manageable. Our “new normal” painfully shifts and expands to encompass a new set of circumstances.  Our hearts are equally stretched to find new goodness amidst the bitter taste of things we cannot regain.  We scramble to establish new rhythms and roles, our emotions clambering along behind us.

I had forgotten the severe partnership that a vacation with little ones used to entail.  There was a sweetness in the end-of-the-day exhaustion, as we looked at each other, acknowledging that we could not have done it without the other.  The endless lugging of bags and favorite binkies, the constant checklists of favorite and irreplaceable blankies and stuffed animals not to be lost or forgotten, the coaxing of naps in strange places, the unpredictable permutations of mood in sleep deprived children, my handbag hurriedly stuffed with wrinkled diapers and crumbly snacks for the road.  It was always worth the adventure, and we were willing to brave anywhere on the planet at any age.  We did it together.

Now Steve’s fingers stiffly refuse to apply sunscreen, and he watches the children while I lug the luggage.  With a look he lets me know when he is too tired.  We calculate distances, we nervously eye the sand or the ocean and wonder how he will manage.  Steve quietly does all he can not to be a burden, and more.  We do our best.  At night we look at each other and try to find thanksgiving in the new landscape.  We offer each other grace.  We pray for strength.

I keep circling back to thanks.  “The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your requests known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”  In my head I have been trying to coax myself back to the place I had been in the beginning.  In those early, terrifying  days, my utter helplessness engendered an equally total surrender to God.  Each moment was permeated with an element of holiness.  I had a visceral sense of God’s closeness.  I was infused with thanks.  There was peace.  As Steve regained independence, I too became more self-sufficient.  My spiritual eyes dimmed.

Now a discipline of thanks is required.  Trauma no longer takes my life by storm, ravaging all of the trivial details and forcing me to look up.  And thank God for that.  Steve keeps a list.  Every day he writes down five things he is thankful for.  He says this is what is getting him through this latest Wall.  Coincidentally, friends gave me a book recently also espousing a gratitude list, not for the list making itself but for the shift in perspective it engenders.  While I strain against the confines of such practical habits, my spirit longs for the same result.

I have been juggling perspectives.  From the perspective of June 17, everything is a miracle, a sweet taste in the mouth of rich mercy given, of more moments with Steve, of magical healing.  From the perspective of a lifetime prior to June 17, all is heart-wrenching loss.  My spirit jumps between one and the other, wondering which is the “right” or most accurate path, struggling to faithfully give thanks in the balance.  What I am beginning to realize is that what I really need is the perspective of this moment, this twenty four hours.  Do not worry.  Each day has enough troubles of its own.  The biblical wisdom reminds me to let go of what went before, both the sooner and the latter.

Tonight, as I explored with Steve my struggle to absorb our new normal in this no-longer-familiar setting, the perspective I’d been praying for came slamming into my dull spirit.  I was processing my smaller losses with his greater ones in plain sight.  A host of images flooded my heart, drowning my complaints.  Steve’s equable laughter as he tried unsuccessfully to throw a ball to the children in the pool, fingers too slow and stiff, holding it too long.  Him standing at the water’s edge watching the boys jump waves, watching me go in to keep them safe.  Him walking slowly and determinedly up the path, far behind the children’s rushing feet and mine.  Him telling me some sweet thing about me that would go on his gratitude list.  I had forgotten this day to give thanks for walking legs and arms able to embrace and protect my children at will.  I had forgotten to give thanks for the simplest of gifts, the simplest of joys: healthy children, loving husband, food, water, sand.

I am still learning the discipline of gratitude.  I am still learning to live in the moment.  As I look back on the early days when it flowed freely, the word echoing in my spirit is “surrender”.  Do not worry, the Lord is at hand.  Pray.  Be thankful.  Talk to God. But above all else, surrender to His presence, and to the moment at hand.  And perhaps begin a gratitude list.  Those are the things I know to do.  Now for the discipline to practice them faithfully.

Among the countless things to be thankful for: Steve preaching for the first time, standing the entire time; Steve swimming for the first time in the pool, first doggy paddle, then freestyle; Steve walking in the sand.

With love,

Michelle

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  • sky

    struck by how you have encountered the open secret of the universe:  Eucharist. 

  • Molly McCue

    Thank you for these words, Miche. Your Biblestudy group is thankful for you and missed your sweet presence this week.

  • Paula

    Michelle and Steve,
    Our hearts, prayers and thoughts are with you as you go through these times of change and challenge!

  • heather

    As I read your words tonight, I’m reminded of our evening worship and lectio divina on “I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant.” John 15 (the message) Our reflections led us to the words intimate and organic. intertwined and alive. thanks for allowing us along on the journey, and for continuing to choose an life connected… with love and prayers from the south sound….

  • Kikomnl

    always so good to hear from you michelle. we miss your family so very much. much love.

  • john dettoni

    From petition to the Lord to spare Steve’s life to prayers for some sort of normal life to giving thanks for all the Lord has done and is doing and will do. Sounds like the Christian life. But several things are different with you two. You have experienced the dreaded darkness of the valley of death; you have experienced the supportive prayers of friends and family and strangers; you have been ministered to by the Holy Spirit; you have marveled at the slow but steady progress in Steve’s recovery. Now that he is functioning, not totally like before, but certainly way beyond your wildest hopes, now it is time for thanksgiving. Surely, each step along the way was full of thanks to the Lord. But now, looking back and looking forward you found what it is to give thanks to the Lord for all that He has, is, and will do.

    The one thing that continually stands out in my mind as I read these musings and writings, Michelle, is that you have been given a gift, oh actually several gifts, but one is spiritual insight and putting those insights into prose. You have a gift that is wonderful and you bring encouragement to many through your reflective writings. Keep up the good work.

    And the Lord will keep up His good work in all of your lives!!

    Once again you have blessed your readers!!

    peace and blessings,
    john dettoni

  • Margaret Sutherland

    Dear Michelle,

    I truly do agree with you about the discipline of gratitude. Though certainly there are occasional moments when gratitude springs naturally from my soul, more often than not I have to discipline myself to give thanks! In fact sometimes it seems harder as I get older – I’m turning 64 in June! Occasionally in a difficult situation it comes suddenly to me – “In everything give thanks!” -like early one very rainy Sunday morning recently, when I was starting out my motorcycle to go to a Palawan village. I almost turned back, because I was afraid of slipping on the muddy flooded trails and rocks, and of course, I always am mindful of what happened to Steve! But then I thought of the people waiting for me, and that verse, and I started giving thanks and even singing – softly at first and then right out loud, thinking that the motor of the noisy trail bike was drowning me out! Later that afternoon I shared with the ladies in my Bible study how giving thanks and singing made such a difference, and I actually had enjoyed the trip! But the very next morning I almost had to eat my words. Before the sun rose I was taking a shower and preparing for a trip when a man entered my house and stole my back pack that was sitting by the bathroom door with everything important in it. Without thinking and in a panic, I jumped on the motorcycle sans helmet, and started racing to the police station outside of town. But then on the way, I was reminded again of what I said to the women the afternoon before, and started giving thanks that the thieves hadn’t hurt me, that God was in control, etc. I started singing again, and again it made such a difference. It was amazing how everything turned out and Craig was able to share God’s love with the one thief that was caught. And one would think I would never forget the importance of singing and giving thanks after this and many other experiences through the years, but I have to tell you, honestly, that I have failed in this discipline more than I have succeeded! So I was deeply touched by what you wrote, and just can’t imagine how tough it must be as every single day Steve and you are faced with so many more difficult tests, and how they must seem to stretch out endlessly ahead! I can only say thank you for your honesty, and for reminding me so eloquently today of the importance of the discipline of gratitude, and to assure you we are praying for Steve and you with great love.

    Margaret

  • Lolaray3

    So long since I have talked to you!! Where in FL?? How long??? We go to Jacksonville in Jun – is it still cold in WA????? How are the boys??? Miss you and the ladies group!! I love your writing! Hi to Steve, hugs to all!! If you ever get the time write!!! Jana

  • Carol

    How well you described the struggle and the satisfaction of the discipline of thanksgiving.

    LET ALL THINGS NOW LIVING

    Let all things now living
    a song of thanksgiving
    to God the Creator triumphantly raise.
    Who fashioned and made us,
    protected and stayed us
    Who guided us on to the end of our days.
    His banners are o’er us,
    His light goes before us,
    A pillar of fire shining forth through the night:
    Till shadows have vanished
    and darkness is banished,
    As forward we travel from light unto light.

    His law He enforces,
    the stars in their courses,
    The sun in His orbit obediently shines;
    the hills and the mountains,
    the rivers and fountains,
    the depths of the ocean proclaim Him divine.
    We too should be voicing
    our love and rejoicing,
    With glad adoration a song let us raise:
    Till all things now living
    unite in thanksgiving,
    To God in the highest, hosanna and praise.

    Text: Traditional Irish Hymn
    taken from “Starkindler”–Michael Card CD

  • Marty Schmidt

    How wonderful to share time in the sunshine with loving grandparents. I know they are thrilled.

  • Roger and Jerri

    My grandmother, my Dad’s mother, said to me (the only one of 27 grandchildren born on her birthday), “Give thanks for everything; both the good and the bad. God does not choose for us to experience the bad, but He will help you through it.” My grandmother was 65 when I was born! These words were shared many years later…just before I was married. I will be 65 this year.

    Michelle, your journey. as did Steve’s, took a left hand turn with no warning. One journey is no less difficult than the other, only in a different way. Yet, as you describe, what was normal and the “new normal” is the tie that binds you in your individual and joint journeys.

    You articulate so well the spiritual journey we all go through when in the depth of despair and as we progress out of those dark, dark times. Our need is great for the love and support of our dear Lord Jesus and seems to grow less dependent as the situation “normalizes”…however/whatever that is; it is always the “new normal”, never to be exactly whatever it was, again.

    My grandmother shared with me another insight: “When you think you cannot pray, or think you haven’t prayed enough, or have been thankful enough…that awareness is, indeed, a prayer itself.”

    Many of us try to be disciplined in our thankfulness, our gratititude; that comes in many forms. Sometimes, we break out in song for no apparent reason; sometimes we smile and say “Thank You God for everything”; sometimes we sit peacefully for the first time in a long while and just “be”. I believe these are all forms of gratitude.

    Your journey/s have come far and yet, in the words of Frost, “[You] have miles to go before [you] sleep”. Your beautiful spirit, the inspiring testimony you share are great gifts to all of us. We continue to pray for healing of body and spirit that you may have joy all of the days of your lives. You bring great joy to us.

    Love,
    Jerri

  • Barry

    We continue to give thanks for your testamony and faith as you and God move into Kingdom living. Barry DeShetler, Christ U.M.C. Kettering

  • Fred

    joy and sadness, tears and laughter, gratitude and loss – they all are so closely interrelated that the movement from one to the other at times is indiscernable. But they are all part of life and with a new normal – they all seem so much more intense. Lamentations has been reminding me that tears and grief are a form of thanks and worship as much as joyful praise. May the Lord be in the center of it all for you as you walk through this time of “severe mercy.”

  • Holly Wolf (Hutcheson)

    Michelle,

    We have never met, yet we are bonded sisters in Christ. I look forward to the day we can meet. Steve and my brother Brad (Hutcheson) were band mates and close friends. My family prays for Steve’s healing and continued progress multiple times a day. My 10 year old son cannot even pray for a meal without slipping in a prayer for Steve as well. :) Today your entry really struck a chord and I wanted you to pass on a simple message to Steve. My mom (who passed away from cancer 15 years ago) loved Steve very much. As we were all growing up her simple words still echo in my head, “Are you being thankful?” Of course this phrase was always asked when things weren’t going right! Just tell Steve my mom would be soooo proud of him keeping his thankful list, as I know our Father in heaven is too! All our love and prayers, Kirk and Holly Wolf (Hutcheson)

  • Matthew

    Thank you for the reminder, Miche, to be grateful, to be gracious.

  • Margot

    Thankful for moving fingers, wobbly razor scooter rides, prayer together, honest conversation, twinkle eyed laughter.

    My list of 5 for you today, Steve.

  • Eileenjohnson

    As Always, Michelle, what God is teaching you is so helpful to me in my walk with Him. Learning to truly be thankful is a discipline. Thank you so much for taking the time to be transparent with all of us. God is growing much fruit through you and Steve.
    In His Great Love,
    Eileen Johnson

  • Deb Meske Thompson

    I’m reminded that, for parents, a real vacation means time away from the kids! Anything else is really just a “change of scene”. It may be refreshing in its own way, but it will certainly be challenging. As you already know, this dynamic will ease with the years. Zephyr will be significantly more independent in just a few. In the meantime, I hope you will be able to find some time for just you, as well as time for just you and Steve. Everyone needs a chance to catch their breath! Easier said than done, I know. Blessings, Deb

  • Barb_schoeman

    Michelle, You don’t know me, but through your writings, I have come to know you and Steve. I am now 56 and had a major stroke on March 17, 2010 which left me with double vision, hearing loss, breathing and swallowing problems, a “spastic” right arm, difficulty in walking, and little feeling in my right side. I am not mad at God. Nor am I rejoicing. But I am being more ‘real’ with Him. I know He loves us. He just has a funny way of showing it in this life.

    Your writings resonate with me and my husband, THE care giver. Keep up the writing. At least I know I am not alone.

    Barbie Schoeman, Centennial, Colorado

  • Linda Muench

    One thing good about getting older (I’m 66) is that you realize more how much grace has been given because of what Christ paid for us. Realizing this, I do think on the things I am so very grateful for so much more often than I ever have before. One thing I’m thankful for . . . . having known Steve. When ever I think of him, I smile…. Bless you all! Linda Muench

  • Heather Ruetschle

    Dear Michelle and Steve,
    Enjoy the warmth of Florida and Oma & Opa’s love! I love walking on that white sandy beach of Siesta Key! I continue to pray for healing for Steve’s fingers and all other areas to regain function. We are so looking forward to seeing you in Ohio and pray you have a special week in Florida. We love you, Heather

  • Linda Harder

    Michelle, You do not know me, but a friend has been sending your postings to me. I have been so very blessed by your willingness to share the raw emotions of your life since Steve’s accident. We often hear others share how they have encountered the Lord in a more real way through their mountaintop experiences, but few are willing or able to share of God’s grace and mercy in the valleys of their lives. God has given you a beautiful gift of writing that touches others souls in a most remarkable way – one that gives glory to God. I continue to pray for you, Steve, and your family as the slow healing process continues. I pray I can practice the discipline of gratitude as faithfully and well as you!
    A sister in the Lord, Linda Harder

  • Tiffany

    Gratitude, surrender, living in the moment… prayer… love…discipline. Yes. Thanks Miche! I have been missing you both.

  • Sandbar987

    Michelle,
    I think you are both right to keep your gratitude lists, what a great idea! It is a trick of the heart to turn our sadness into gladness, even as you notice the differences between where Steve was the last time you went to Florida and where he is now, you can turn that into a celebration of where he is compared to where he was six months ago, even six weeks ago. There will be a day when it will be habit, and you will see all your current circumstances with the joy of gratitude for where you are right then. God is leading you there; as you said, surrender.
    Kathleen Barry

  • Gail

    Michelle,

    A dear saint in the body of Christ posted your page on f.b. That is how I found your story… What a gift your words are to my heart… My husband has suffered through out our 23 years of marriage. He was 5’11 when we married, the disease A.S. bent him slowly through the years down to 5’1…. I wept such beautiful tears over the words you have written, they are a balm to my heart… The thought beauty from ashes comes to mind. My prayers now join with everyone who is praying for y’all. (my hubby is doing well at the moment)

  • Tessacastillo

    Hi Michelle, I am Tessa Castillo from Manila, Philippines. I learned about Pastor Steve through a church mate who has read your posts and forwarded it to me. I am so touched with what you have been writing. Though I cannot fully know the extent of how you are feeling, I have my own share of grief. My husband Jeff Castillo is the youth pastor of Capital City Alliance Church in Quezon City. He had a stroke last December 11, 2010. He is 38 years old. His was a celebrated case because it was the first in the hospital where he was admitted. The stroke was not due to high cholesterol, diabetes or any other pre existing condition. The neurologist cannot give us the exact cause even at this time but he is looking at the singing Jeff was doing the night before the cardio vascular accident. The barber massage two nights prior to that may also have contributed. Right now we are in the plateau of recovery, physically, emotionally and maybe even spiritually. Milestones of physical recovery on Jeff’s part have become banal. What are left now are small improvements, too meagre to be noticed in the oftentimes mundane course of the day. That is why finding the link to your article was a timely rebuke to yield to the “discipline of thanks”.

    I thought of writing you just to say that we are now including you in our prayers and hope you will include us in yours too. Another compelling reason why I am getting in touch with you is that, apparently, Jeff has met your husband way back 2009 during the International Chrysalis Institute in Subic. I asked my daughter to edit their group picture so that you can identify him (I have yet to find a way how to send the photo to you). While you have three kinetic boys, I have two dainty girls. Actually, the eldest is a lady already; she is Aubrey Joana, 13years old. My youngest is Ana Priscilla, 7 months old. She was only 3months when her “Tatay” had to be confined in the ICU for 9 days and another 11 days in the private room. Please relay to Pastor Steve that Jeff says hi. I look forward to hearing from you, though it is always a challenge to find time to answer mails, that I know full well :D

    I upload my updates on Jeff’s recovery via facebook, http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=104221949625431&topic=146

  • Kwolswijk

    Michelle, this last post made me cry.

  • Randy White

    Steve and Michelle, Randy White of Bakke Graduate University here. We are in Manila for Overture 1, just like October 2009, when I first met Steve. I have heard of your amazing progress, and my heart is full, as I and my colleagues, as well as many students in BGU, pray for you both. I just wanted to let you know that we will continue to pray as God leads, and our best wishes are with you. Shalom!

  • Allisonhenry1

    Miche you continue to inspire me – which I don’t think is your first intention – but you do. You are strength grace and wisdom. I love you my friend.

  • Cindy Edwards

    Thank you Michelle…beautifully written update. I am afriend of Heather and Mike’s in Dayton, Ohio. I hope to meet you when you visit…Cindy Edwards

  • Sherry

    Your authenticity in your posts often reminds me to lean into the challenges of adjusting to a life that might not be the path that most people follow (I have never been blessed with either a husband nor a child) and of looking up long enough to be grateful for the blessings of what I do have. thanks for sharing this.