Renewed sense of loss

From Michelle.  14 July, 2010  3:30 p.m.

Dear friends and family,

I can now write only in the few stolen moments between children and hospital, paperwork and phone calls.  What I thought before was an overwhelming amount of detail has grown exponentially with the arrival of the children.  It is not the time that they take that makes it so difficult to balance, it is my desire to love and shelter them through this trial, and my inability at times to do so.  I am so deeply torn when I see one cry because I am not coming home from the hospital, or because I am sending them off with someone else.  I long to be with them every minute and with Steve every minute and I cannot do both.  Steve and I miss each other now as much as we miss the kids.  Such is the life tread between hospital and home, trauma and hope.

It was so fun and encouraging to read Mike’s posting yesterday.  Steve has indeed come a long way, and to see his face flushed with joy at his new-found independence in the wheelchair was such a sweet sight.  At the same time, strangely,  a day full of good moments was also a difficult one for me.

As I look back on it, I think part of the difficulty lay in the very joy I witnessed.  It brought home for me, I think, the “new normal,” the fact that we are now so grateful for this little bit of independence, this incredibly small step.  Where, before, Steve ran and jumped and wrestled with his children and played the guitar without a thought, we are now jumping for joy that he is able to use hands and fingers that no longer work to awkwardly manipulate a wheelchair joy-stick.

There is something sweet in that new gladness and I am so grateful for the gratitude we both feel.  At the same time there was a renewed sense of loss for me.

A friend said he was woken up at 2 a.m. thinking of us and with a song in his head…

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning, new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness Oh Lord, great is Thy faithfulness!

On the way home from the hospital, I sang those lines over and over again, until I not only believed them but felt them deep down.  Zephyr fell sweetly asleep as I sang them over to the both of us.

One of the first things Steve said when a friend asked him about his experience, was that he was learning in a fresh way the meaning and importance of carrying each other’s burdens.   He cannot do anything for himself right now, from eating to rolling over in bed, to even relieving himself.  He is completely reliant on others.  But he did not say this in a self pitying sense.  Rather what he expressed was that he is truly being carried by others.  We both are.  And for that we are grateful, always.

Love,
Michelle

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  • Cheryl Williams Johnson

    Dear Michelle – I cannot imagine what this new sense of “normal” must really mean to you. I cannot imagine how difficult this journey has been for you and your family. However whenever in struggle or trials I remind myself that He would not give us more than we can handle. I sometimes question this but as time passes I realize it is true. No matter how tough or difficult things must seem remember that this journey was never meant to be done alone and you will always be provided for with the wisdom and strength to continue. I know this is not very eloquently put but please remember this is a journey, life is a journey, and you are never alone.

  • Deb (Talley) Thompson

    There is so much to process and no protected space of time to dedicate to it. The term “marathon” truly fits. Be as gentle with yourself as you can. You all are being stretched to capacity and beyond. And you are loved.

  • Sarah Vogt

    Dear Michelle,
    I haven't written you much because words seem so inadequate to express my feelings for you,
    my admiration, my sorrow, my anxiety, and how even in this incredible turning point in your lives the two
    of you are living, breathing role models for us and eloquent spokespersons for God. My body and heart
    ache for you all. We are praying constantly for all of you and asking God to surround you in His clear white
    light , love, and healing energy.
    Much love,
    Sarah and Jeff Vogt

  • Bonnie Stalter

    Being honest with God and yourself as you adapt to .. what today brings. living life in day tight compartments. Things just are. what they are. Please do not overthink or process too much.
    remember it is Be attitudes not just Do attitudes. love the stories of you climbing up to
    sleep and rest near Steve. how tender. Her girl. it is ok to cry. no one expects super human
    response. You are lifted on others prayers, God's grace.. not your own efforts.
    ZZz sleep and rest well and snuggle with those sons of yours. They really need you. Steve is
    being well cared for. Trust.. relax.. rest in Him.

  • Tiffany Megargee

    Thank you Miche, once again for putting words to this… I also felt a renewed sense of loss at seeing Steve in his new chair, even though there was great joy at his new mobility and in the family and friends gathered. It is all so raw still… and I think for me that is powerful, I don't want to get “used to” this, this new normal. I want to keep hoping… even while working on what currently is. Please let me know if there is any thing in this juggled, crazy time that I can help with. My heart and love is with you. Great is Thy faithfulness…

  • Susieobrian

    Michelle – Anything I can add seems pitifully meager under the circumstances. I love how God has given you scripture and songs along the way to sustain you. As I was “listening” to the song you heard, I heard the following: “Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul; Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in Thee; Let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me.” It's an old Maranatha song, I know….. And right after that, one of my favorite simple ones…. “I will change your name; You shall no longer be called; Wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid; I will change your name; Your new name shall be Confidence, Joyfulness, Overcoming One, Faithfulness, Friend of God, ONE WHO SEEKS MY FACE.” Steve does have a new name, at least for now, and I trust that God will reveal the extent of it in His time. As for me and my family, we pray for complete healing now! Thanks for letting me sing along with you! Love to you both – Susie & Tim

  • Shehuy93

    You are showing all of us what it means to walk through very deep waters as a Christian.

  • Olive Hafenstein

    The Song…
    Dear Michelle,
    The song that your friend shared with you is quite significant to me. When our family was going through a very difficult time, that was the same song that I felt led to just start singing over and over as I held my sobbing sister in my arms. It was all I could think to 'say' or do for the pain of the moment. Indeed it is true, the love that comes from the Father Heart of God is new every morning. May His tender mercies refresh and anoint you daily for the gargantuan call He has made on your life.
    Love, Blessings & Continued Prayers.

  • Kfeltz2lido

    Michelle.
    Your writings express so specifically and beautifully your emotions and Steve's experiences. I love to read your picturesque expressions of love for your family. I trust that God is going to bring GOOD out of this difficult time. My prayers are with you and your family. May you feel God's blessing with each new movement of Steve's body. May we all be reminded of how we are fearfully and wondrously made by God, our Father.
    Karen Feltz
    Darlene's friend